Cross around my Neck

Anybody who knows me well could probably tell you that, for the majority of my life, I have worn a cross around my neck.  Which I guess is weird because if you know me well enough to know that, you also know that I am not at all a religious believer.  Somebody at work asked me a question today, that I have been asked before, and I finally think that I know the answer.  They asked me why, if I don't believe in it, do I wear the cross around my neck?

I think there are 2 reasons why I do this.  Reason 1:  I was brought up to be Christian...I say Christian because, let's face it, I was brought up around 2 churches that believed the exact same things just were too stubborn to admit it...but nonetheless both Christian so I've had a cross my whole life and started wearing it because when I was younger I did believe in it.  Then I guess I got used to wearing it.

Reason 2:  Which I think is the most odd reason, but probably the most prevalent of the two.  I cannot, in my right mind, believe in Christianity...or Islam or Buddhism or Judaism or any other Godly religion I could name because I can't bring myself to logically believe that those things laid out in each one of those good religions could possibly have happened.  That is just the way that my mind works.  I can't believe something just to believe, or because my family and friends believe...or even because it would put me at ease about answering difficult questions in life.  There must be proof if I am to devote my life to a way of thinking.  But what does this have to do with that cross that is wrapped so lovingly around my neck?  It is there because I really do hope, every single day, that my belief is wrong...even if I don't think it is.

I find that I constantly get lost in my thoughts, trying to answer life's unanswerable questions...I don't understand why I try because I know it's in vain, but it is who I am...and what I have found in trying to answer these questions, besides my occasional sleepless night, is that I am able to connect dots about myself...I'm able to discover a new feeling that I didn't know I had...I will never answer those tough questions but maybe one day I'll have the solution to who I actually am.